Nothing will be perfect, so we can only do our best, and let the rest be.
The holidays can also be a painful time of year. Relationships and pocketbooks are strained. Grief and loss are magnified. Days are short and demands on time are high. Travel and visitors may amplify all of the above.
Mindfulness is one tool that can help us through the hardest times of our lives. A good definition for mindfulness, by James Baraz, is, ‘simply being aware of what is happening right now without wishing it were different; enjoying the pleasant without holding on when it changes (which it will); being with the unpleasant without fearing it will always be this way (which it won’t).’
I like this definition because mindfulness is about observation. Circumstances can be both bad and good at the same time. For example, during the holidays, we may relish the aesthetic, the food, the time with family, but this can feel drowned out by the busyness, crowded stores, relentless advertising, and overplayed holiday music. I don’t love Mariah Carey’s All I Want for Christmas Is You, but it’s only a four-minute song. I can choose to spend those four minutes ruminating about how much I hate the song or worrying about whether they will play the song again this hour, or I can simply observe that the song is playing and feel gratitude that it will end in its own time. Perhaps the next song will be something I love! Or perhaps it won’t be, and I’ll choose to turn the radio off. It’s up to me.
Mindfulness means acknowledging all of these pleasant and unpleasant things without trying to ‘fix’ anything. You don’t need to change anything, for it will change all on its own. This releases us from the burden to make everything perfect. Nothing will be perfect, so we can only do our best, and let the rest be.
But what if, you may ask, mindfulness is just another thing I HAVE to do and the pressure to do it is just all too much? This is why mindfulness also needs to be self-compassionate. There are three components to self-compassion that can help us through the holidays.
Firstly, self-compassion means being kind to yourself, and saying no to the inner monologue that tells you that you can’t do it or you’re just failing yet again. Treat yourself as you would treat a small child whom you really loved. Give yourself comfortable clothing and nutritious and tasty food. Give yourself enough sleep. Give yourself love.
Secondly, self-compassion means recognizing that almost all of us struggle during the holiday season. Those neighbours with the perfect lawn and house decorations? They’re probably struggling. Your super-organised friend who has a colour-coded, cross-referenced Christmas shopping list that they completed way back in August? Probably struggling. We all hide our struggles, and try to project to the outside world the best image of ourselves. Perhaps the neighbours with the perfect decorations are grieving the loss of their child who loved Christmas lights. Perhaps your super-organised friend feels they have to get Christmas ‘just right’ because everyone is depending on them. So if you feel you’re struggling, chances are you’re not alone.
Lastly, self-compassion means being mindful. Yep, we are back to mindfulness. Every time you find yourself getting caught up in stress or negativity or worries, gently remind yourself to come back to the present moment. Find a tactile object that you can really focus on: a stone, a Christmas decoration, or just the rise and fall of your chest as you breathe. Tell yourself kindly that it doesn’t matter that you started feeling stressed. The fact that you brought yourself back to the now is a victory. If you have to bring yourself back a hundred times, it’s a hundred victories. You can focus on the now in whatever you’re doing. Feel the smoothness of the paper you wrap presents with. Smell the aroma of your holiday baking. Delight in the sparkle of your Christmas lights. Listen to music that you really enjoy.
Don’t be afraid to take time-outs from festivities with other people to have a quick mindfulness moment. Go in the bathroom, close the door, and just sit with yourself for one minute.
Keep things simple. Focus on what really matters TO YOU. If cooking is really meaningful to you, take the time to bake or make food that you really enjoy. If you don’t love to cook – don’t worry about it! Take-out food was invented for a reason! You don’t have to do EVERYTHING – something is always better than nothing. Perhaps you can host a holiday party and ask others to bring the food. Perhaps this year, you need to just have a quiet day at home, and leave the festivities for another year.
Take stock of your values and needs, and then honour them. You are worth it. And if you make mistakes, that’s ok. We all do, and it’s a wonderful opportunity to try again.
If you are interested in some exercises and guided meditations to practice self-compassion, I can recommend the following resource by Dr Kristin Neff: https://self-compassion.org/category/exercises/#guided-meditations
May you have a blessed holiday season!
Merry Christmas and Happy New Year,
-Kiva-Marie
